I think it’s safe to say I wasn’t your typical teenager. I was a big tomboy growing up, into guns and war history and never played with dolls. My brother Matthew and I would spend hours playing roller hockey and riding our bikes on thel trails. I played street hockey every chance I got and when I was 12, my mom, who was quite sick throughout my childhood, took the time to register me for ice hockey. I was a poor skater but I still had tons of fun and played until high school. That’s when I started playing guitar and became obsessed with music (I would say 1,500 + CDs is obsessed). I formed a punk/metal band with some friends and I really enjoyed playing shows with them.
It was right around this time when my mom passed away and things started to change for me. Not only was I extremely depressed about losing my mom at 14, but in the months after her death, I started hearing voices, like someone was talking over my shoulder into my ear. Only these weren’t friendly voices. These voices were blaming me for my mom’s death, telling me I was worthless and that I should kill myself.
I didn’t know where the voices were coming from, but I knew what they made me. I was scared and confused, not about to let anyone know I was “crazy.” Afraid I’d be locked up in a padded room for the rest of my life, I spent the next two years in silence, one of the hardest times of my life. I held these voices inside and became depressed, stressed out and on the verge of suicide. I felt that ending my life was the only way I would have freedom from the voices. Finally I found the courage to confide in a teacher at school when I turned 16.
Shortly after that, I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. The professionals told me that it is a chemical imbalance in my brain and that I wasn’t “crazy” like I thought, there were medications to treat it. I was glad to get help, but it was so hard to hear that diagnosis, that I was mentally ill. Despite their reassurances, mental illness seemed so final, a death sentence with no hope. If I didn’t have such an amazing family, I’m not sure I would have made it through those initial hospital stays, 3 weeks at a time, one of the scariest things I’ve been through.
My one coping skill while in the hospital was to make a friend. I was on the Adolescent Psychiatric Ward at Surrey Memorial Hospital, so I was around kids my age. I made a good friendship with one of the girls that helped both of us through the long days. Another thing that got me through that time was the music I had with me. Machine Head, Coal Chamber, and ZAO really gave me inspiration and hope.
But even harder than the hospital stays was losing nearly all of my friends when I was diagnosed. They were literally scared of me and my illness and didn’t know how to interact with me. I had so many good memories with them and it was difficult to have them turn their back on me.
The return home to no friends would have been unbearable if it had not been for my family. My dad was extremely supportive and he has dedicated his life to me and learning about my illness and mental illness in general. My brother Christopher has been really amazing as well. There would be times late at night when the voices would be particularly bad and I would go to him. He would sit with me and watch a movie or we would go on long walks around the neighbourhood. I even have a grandmother in England who I am very close with and she is a major inspiration and encouragement to me.
I have made so much progress since those first days and I’m truly happy when I get to spend time with all the new friends that I have made and my family. Music is also a big part of my life. Not only do I enjoy listening to music and collecting CDs, but I play the guitar and teach it to other people with mental illnesses.
The hardest part about being in the Mental Health System is the stigma around the whole thing. I experienced times where I’ve been looked down upon because I have an illness and that I’m in the Mental Health System. It has also been frustrating not having a worker anymore because they have closed my file due to how well I am now doing. When they did this, it kinda felt like they were pushing me aside and closing the door on me. It’s been a difficult thing for me to deal with.
My dream is to do exactly this – speak to kids and share my story to anyone and everyone that will listen. I want to be a beacon of hope to kids that are struggling. Whether they’re depressed, suicidal, alone and scared, confused, it doesn’t matter – I want to be there for them and let them know that they have options and there is hope beyond what they are experiencing. I spent 2 long, tumultuous years being scared and alone, hearing voices and not telling anyone. That is the LAST thing I want anyone to experience because quite frankly, it was hell. If I can share my story and help just one person, then the whole thing is worth it. I want to help erase the stigma of mental illness. I want to change the world and the views that people have about Schizophrenia and mental illness in general.
Yes, I have Schizophrenia, but it is NOT who I am and I will never let it decide my future for me.
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